Anybody that still buys books the old fashioned way will have seen this on the 'bestsellers' shelf and if you're not the kind to buy books (or read them for that matter) you might have heard of the movie, released in the UK today. It is The 100-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared. I'm approaching the last couple of chapters.For those of you that want a synopsis: an old man escapes from his home, steals a suitcase, accidentally kills some people (this isn't graphic or exciting in the way you'd hope) and hides from the police. Only about a fifth of the book however is based on this story line. The rest of the book describes his past and his role in some of the most historically important moments of the 20th Century.
It's cute. That's what this book is. That is the only word I have for this book. An enjoyable read that makes you feel fuzzy.
So please keep that overview in mind whilst I explain to you want I am really pissed off about. This book is 400 pages long. An average sized novel, I'd say. It's taken me about a week to read. I picked this book up because it was everywhere. All over the shelves in every chain of book shop. It has 'SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE' scrawled on the front. This makes me excited because I quite liked Twilight and also James and the Giant Peach and they promised the same.
The reviews on the blurb are extremely positive:
'Arguably the biggest word-of-mouth literary sensation of the decade' - The Independent
I like The Independent. It is one of the better newspapers. I like the sound of this literary sensation.
'Imaginative, laugh-out-loud bestseller'- The Telegraph
Well if The Telegraph have been laughing out loud then it must be 'shit your pants laughing' level of funny for the rest of us. I'm very excited for this. Maybe I will buy some nappies just in case...
'Should carry a health warning for spouses or partners who are easily irritated by the sounds of helpless chortling' - The Irish Times
Slightly contradicting my early thoughts after The Telegraph's comment but I will let them off because the Irish sense of humour is different. This bodes well for me as a half-irish lady. It will appeal to both sides of my humour.
A WEEK.
That is a week in which I will never get back. I was expecting to be part of something big! I wanted to be telling people about this book that they must read quickly before the film comes out because you must read the book before you see the film. At the very least I was expecting to have soiled myself maybe once!
I am so fed up of reading hyped up reviews of things. I want to see a quote that says 'This was alright as far as bestsellers go but it's no James and the Giant Peach and it has no sexy vampires in it.'
People are always telling me that 'life is too short to finish a book that you don't like'. Excuse me for choosing to ignore your advice but I spent £9 on this book and I'm a tight bitch that wants to have something to show for that. I also don't live my life according to quotes pulled off of a 14 year old's Tumblr.
So if there is anything that you take away from reading this post let it be this: don't trust anything that you read. Probably not even this. Go on. Go out and buy the book. I hope you lose a week of your life too. I blame the papers. If they're not making up a political scandal, they're deceiving the public with their shitty book reviews.
So thank you, print media, for making me feel like I have to spend a week reading a book just because I paid nine quid for it.
