It's got to my final year of university and everyone keeps droning on about this thing called a 'dissertation'. Yes, I get it. I have to write a lot of words in an artsy, fartsy way.
Do I want to write it?
No.
Will I write it?
Yes.
Essay are not something I excel in. I have had far too many debates with exam boards in my time but those Ds have always stayed at Ds. At university though, I have been doing well as far as essays go. If writing them the evening before the hand in and somehow getting a 65 can be deemed as well. Therefore, I have decided to write you a list of how to be as great as I am at dissertation planning/writing. You can thank me later.
1. Get a really cute notepad.
Getting a really cute notepad ensures that you never write a single word of any dissertation research because you don't want to ruin it with your ugly handwriting.
2. Get 5 million books out and keep them on your desk.
Go to the library, take out all of the books that might link to your topic in any way and spend the next 4 months renewing them and then paying £20 worth of fines because you haven't even read the blurb yet.
3. Sign up to Netflix.
Everyone needs a break from thinking about doing their work sometimes. What's a better way to refresh than watching Louis Theroux documentaries and A Bug's Life?
4. Buy a lot of pasta.
You will need many beige foods to get you through the midnight sobs during your Netflix marathon.
5. ALWAYS plan your speech before a tutorial.
This is a crucial technique for all students to master before they start their third year. Make a list of three things that you planned to do this week and say you did them. Find some loose evidence that can back you up in some way. You must remember that a lot of your marks are down to professionalism. You are a professional liar.
6. Stock up on cleaning products.
It's amazing how annoying a bit of dust can be when you have work to do. Taking a day out to clean the house because you couldn't possibly do any work with the mess is as equally ok as it is great procrastination.
7. Make sure you have some nice things in your usual working environment.
You are going to be spending a lot of time looking at those walls and thinking about how Harry Styles will propose to you. You might as well make them pretty.
8. Extend your overdraft by at least £300.
Your tutors tell you that you will need extra money in your final year to go out and research things first hand. The truth is that you actually need extra money for the amount of online shopping you do in your 'study breaks'. It's completely fine for those breaks to last longer than 3 hours and to cost £100 a go.
9. Buy a book.
Why not? Your deadline isn't for another few weeks. Might as well kill some time with a completely unrelated novel.
10. Get your mittens out.
With most dissertation deadlines being straight after Christmas, the months are chilly during dissertation writing time. Gas is expensive. So sit in your room. Put a hat on. Get into bed. But DON'T buy gloves. If you wear gloves it is still possible to do your work. You have no excuse. However, if it is extremely cold and you only have mittens, it is fully understandable that you are completely incapable of picking up a pen.
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