LIST: CONFUSING THINGS THAT EXIST

Got your attention didn't it, you perverts?

Those pants that aren't thongs but aren't granny pants.
They're like covert granny pants. Big pants that are semi-fancy but are cut very precisely to ride up your bum. One time I got so mad at this kind of underwear I went into a public toilet and took them off and put them in the sanitary bin. I hate those pants. I still buy them though because you don't know until you get them on. I either want to wear granny pants or I want to look like a hoe. Those worlds cannot be merged.

Fine-toothed combs.
It's 2015. We don't need combs any more. When I see people hacking at their matted locks with a comb I just want to do them a favour and pass them a hairbrush. Not that painful, very quick and you don't have to cut the knots out! Win for everyone!

Hankies.
Ever heard of a tissue?! They're recyclable and everything!

Pigeons.
Don't know why they're here but they are. I don't mind them, just weird things. Very confusing animals. No purpose. Just flapping.

Greeting cards.
Want to know what says 'Happy Birthday' better than a cartoon dog swinging from a balloon with the caption, "Yappy Birthday" underneath? Diamonds.

Strapless bras.
They give no support (so I hear) and aren't very good at being bras in general. They dig in a lot. Mostly the purpose of a strapless bra is to cover my nipples. I realise now that's what plasters are for.

Lil-lets.
I just think that Lil-lets are for sick women that enjoy their periods and want to revel in them. It's like they have the choice of not touching the inside of their bloody vagina but are going to anyway. Weird and just not OK. They say women are grouchy when on their periods due to hormones. They've got it all wrong. It's the Lil-lets users giving the rest of us a bad name. I'd be shitty too if I had to deal with that every 4 hours.

Non mint flavoured chewing gum. 
We all know it tastes like cardboard after 5 minutes and, quite frankly, I've had enough of picking up a pack of Extra and finding out it's lemon flavour when it's too late to do anything about it.

Paperweights. 
Odd things really. I've got one. Use it sometimes. Takes up a lot of space of my desk. Don't reckon anyone uses one enough to justify their existence. Just a thought.

Pandas.
Yep, they're still about.