LIST: 10 REASONS SISTERS ARE THE BEST

1. Sometimes when you feel fat or really ugly, you just need to be told that you definitely are fat and/or ugly and there is no one in the world that is going to lay that down more for you than your sister. Luckily, because you are from the same womb, you are probably both fat and ugly so you can work on not being fat and ugly together.

2. As you get older, it becomes weirder to ask you parents permission to do things. For example, at the age of 20 there are many things that I feel like I want to do but know that I probably shouldn't. For example, when on a night out and feeling very drunk I often find myself in a dilemma. Stop drinking and start sobering up or make myself vomit and carry on. I would often like some impartial advice when in this situation. Call Mum? No. Definitely not impartial. Call your sister she will be sure to guide you. Not sure if the three date rule applies? Call your sister! Torn on whether to buy some reduced nipple tassels? Call your sister!

3. You reach a certain age when you have so much shit on each other that you reach a stalemate. Don't think you've got there yet? The time will come. The first 18 years of your life might seem hard with constant threats of telling looming over your head. However, when you both mature enough you will learn that there is no way that your sister will ever tell on you because a telltale battle will commence. Both pointless and winner-less.

4. Who else is going to pluck that ingrown hair in your bum crack?

5. Sometimes when you are sad and you want to cry, you can go and see your sister and she will laugh at you. This might seem mean but you will start laughing too and then everything is fine again because girls rule and boys drool.

6. Stealing clothes. This isn't for the obvious reason of more clothes but because when you argue you have a pile of peace offerings that you can dish out throughout the year. "Sorry that I ate your last gluten-free Jaffacake, here is the leather jacket that you thought you lost three months ago xx"

7. The problem with friends is that it doesn't matter how close you are, everyone is in some form of competition to have the better relationship. With your sister though, there is no escaping it. You have to see her relationship every day and she has to see yours too. You know how shit each other's love life is and you can always take comfort in that.

8. When no one is around to tickle your back and eat ice cream with you, your sister will always be there to do this. Your sister will always drop plans for you because at the end of the day, you both know how much your friends suck and how much your sister doesn't.

9. You will spend your whole life planning on how to sneak a stray puppy into the house and convince your mum to let you keep it but when you get older and move out you realise that you can technically just get a puppy without your mum's advice and it. will. be. AWESOME. AND if you don't live with each other you can probably get a puppy each and they can be boyfriend and girlfriend and then they can have puppies! Puppies all over the place!

10. If there is anyone in the world that understands what an absolute freak you are, it is your sister because she helped breed you to be that way. Want to pretend to be koalas for an hour? Why not? You're in your twenties and you can do whatever you bloody well want.

LIST: CONFUSING THINGS THAT EXIST

Got your attention didn't it, you perverts?

Those pants that aren't thongs but aren't granny pants.
They're like covert granny pants. Big pants that are semi-fancy but are cut very precisely to ride up your bum. One time I got so mad at this kind of underwear I went into a public toilet and took them off and put them in the sanitary bin. I hate those pants. I still buy them though because you don't know until you get them on. I either want to wear granny pants or I want to look like a hoe. Those worlds cannot be merged.

Fine-toothed combs.
It's 2015. We don't need combs any more. When I see people hacking at their matted locks with a comb I just want to do them a favour and pass them a hairbrush. Not that painful, very quick and you don't have to cut the knots out! Win for everyone!

Hankies.
Ever heard of a tissue?! They're recyclable and everything!

Pigeons.
Don't know why they're here but they are. I don't mind them, just weird things. Very confusing animals. No purpose. Just flapping.

Greeting cards.
Want to know what says 'Happy Birthday' better than a cartoon dog swinging from a balloon with the caption, "Yappy Birthday" underneath? Diamonds.

Strapless bras.
They give no support (so I hear) and aren't very good at being bras in general. They dig in a lot. Mostly the purpose of a strapless bra is to cover my nipples. I realise now that's what plasters are for.

Lil-lets.
I just think that Lil-lets are for sick women that enjoy their periods and want to revel in them. It's like they have the choice of not touching the inside of their bloody vagina but are going to anyway. Weird and just not OK. They say women are grouchy when on their periods due to hormones. They've got it all wrong. It's the Lil-lets users giving the rest of us a bad name. I'd be shitty too if I had to deal with that every 4 hours.

Non mint flavoured chewing gum. 
We all know it tastes like cardboard after 5 minutes and, quite frankly, I've had enough of picking up a pack of Extra and finding out it's lemon flavour when it's too late to do anything about it.

Paperweights. 
Odd things really. I've got one. Use it sometimes. Takes up a lot of space of my desk. Don't reckon anyone uses one enough to justify their existence. Just a thought.

Pandas.
Yep, they're still about.

HOW TO: AVOID SALE SHOPPING LIKE YOU'RE POSSESSED BY THE DEVIL

SOURCE: bbc.co.uk

I hope you all had a truly wonderful Christmas and got spoilt rotten by everyone you know. Let's not get into the beautiful birth of our beloved Jesus Christ in his little baby manger. Let's think about why we really love this time of year. Family, chocolate, cold meat, alcohol...

Presents. I am surrounded by them as we speak. I have my nice new candle burning and I am drinking tea out of my new teacup in my new pyjamas with a new face mask on and I am typing away on some nicely blinged out hands. All of which, gifted.

After a long shift of retail work today, I slumped on the sofa to watch the news. The BBC were questioning shoppers in my local town. One lady was rather angry that the gifts she bought and received for Christmas are now in the SALE. Can you believe it?! Who would have thought that novelty gifts would go into a sale straight after Christmas. Absolute disgrace.

Naturally, that grinds my gears. Therefore, I am writing a 'How To', coming from an experienced retail assistant, on getting into the right mindset before you leave the house to hit the Christmas sales. You will thank me.

1. Think about the fact that other people will also be out shopping today.

In fact, some people might even want to be in the same place that you're stood and look at the same things that you do. That is a normal thing. Most importantly, when shopping, you must remember the rule that if someone else is where you want to be before you are, you are technically in their territory. You wait or politely ask if you may be where they are too. Peaceful Coexistence.

2. Trolleys are for food shopping in supermarkets. 

Unless you are using a trolley as a zimmerframe substitute, don't take it into any other kind of shop. You are a nuisance and should feel uncomfortable.

3. Sales Assistants are there to make the shop run smoothly, not your life. 

Although this might seem a little biased, coming from a sales assistant, I assure you that this is true. They are there to help you find clothes, should you need them and for you to buy those clothes. Sales assistants are real people that have real lives. They are not below you or above you. However, you are in their store and should therefore treat them with the same kind of respect that you would if you were a guest in someone else's common environment.

4. Get off your phone. 

Many times, people find themselves near shops. Many times, those people don't want to be near shops but must pass through the place that is near shops. Whilst you are looking down, texting, you are holding those people up. Shopping is leisure. When you are in a shop, you may lounge around on your phone. When you are walking near shops, don't do that. People have places to be and quite frankly, I could roll to where I need to be quicker than walking behind you.

5. Don't try and haggle sale prices.

You are already saving at least 50% on whatever it is you are buying. If you think it is still worth less than that, you don't want it. Put it down. You will embarrass yourself a great deal if you attempt to do this.

6. Just because clothes are lined up on a rail, it does not mean that they also belong on the floor.

They are not your clothes and other people would like to buy them. Hook them neatly back on the rail before they get covered in dust and child dribble.

7. Get your purse out whilst queuing.

Again, this links to the phone. Most people are on their phone whilst in a queue so don't really acknowledge the fact that by the time it is their turn, they are completely unprepared for what is about to take place. Almost like they forgot where they are and need reminding. Where am I? What am I doing? Why do I have these clothes in my hand? These questions should not run through your mind when you are called to the till. You should already know these things by the time you get there.

8. You do not know or understand the Sales of Goods Act. 

This might be another biased opinion. Arguing that you know the Sales of Goods Act will not get you any further in your attempt to get a discount. The likelihood is that the people working in the store know far more about what is allowed and what is not allowed to happen than you do. Just because you know the name of an act does not mean you should use it. Every sales assistant knows that line and every sales assistant knows that the person that says it has just shot themselves in the foot.

9. When driving to your local shopping destination, you must always keep in mind that you will be walking from shop to shop quite a lot today. 

Therefore, it should not really matter if you are parked a little bit further away from where you are going. It is very silly to drive around for half an hour waiting for a space right outside where you want to be. Also very immoral (and illegal) to park in a disabled bay just because you are 'popping in'. (Mother and Toddler spaces do not count. They should be free to whoever should want them because having a toddler does not count as a disability yet).

10. There is always time for an alcoholic beverage in a shopping break.

This is important. Remember this. If you get stressed, there will be a pub or a bar or a shop that sells alcohol. In time of stress always remember that alcohol exists. You will feel better and create a more peaceful shopping environment for those around you.

SUNDAY MOAN: LA ROCHE-POSAY EXFOLIATOR (GRIT!)

It is no secret to anyone that knows me that I am a beauty product hoarder. And with that I put my hands up and say, I am dumb. You see, I know that I don't look any better if I buy a £30 moisturiser but I do it anyway. My main reason for this is that it makes me happy when I look at the pretty packaging. It's not so much that I love beauty products as it is that I love BUYING beauty products.

I sit, cross-legged, surrounded by all of my pretty things and then sometimes if I'm really excited I roll in them (note: try to refrain from doing this with make-up, I smashed a new contouring kit just a few days ago and I am distraught).

So let me tell you about this week. I have spent £80 on beauty products. I should feel ashamed, I know, but I don't. In my mind, they were all bargains. Except for one.

After spending many hours of my life on feelunique.com, I finally settled on a new facial exfoliator. Because why wouldn't you pay good money for grit to rub on your face? Especially when the builders next door have a bag of sand stationed outside the house.

I'll tell you why.

Reviews. After my previous rant on The Babble (on book reviews), let me tell you about the beauty reviews. I was browsing through my favourite brands and I found a La Roche-Posay exfoliator that looked alright. Everyone bloody loves it. So I put it in my basket. £10. Not too bad. Averagely priced I'd say.

Ok, so I didn't read the product description. But £10 for a 50ml tube of exfoliator?! I've checked, all of their other products are similar prices for four times the amount. Why did no one mention the fact that they paid £10 for a travel sized exfoliator?! The worst thing is that it isn't even travel sized! It's full size! Do they only expect me to use it 3 times in my entire existence?! That would be the only way that they would even get an 'it's alright' review from me.

I haven't even used it yet. I'm too scared to open it incase a bit pops out that I wasn't intending on using and then it's wasted.

I'M FURIOUS. 50ML. GRIT. £10. AND NO ONE SAID ANYTHING.

People of feelunqiue.com, you are a disgrace.

TWITTER'S MOST FOLLOWED ON: OCTOBER

I have decided that every month I will do a little treat for you all (I know it's now November but you have to start somewhere). I want to start a series of posts called 'TWITTER'S MOST FOLLOWED ON:'.  As it stands, the world's most followed accounts on Twitter, in descending order, are: Katy Perry, Justin Bieber, Barack Obama, Youtube (what?) and Taylor Swift. So without further ado, here is what Twitter's most followed got up to in October...

October has been quite an important month in terms of world news. Britain finally handed over Camp Bastion to the Afghan army, Ebola has continued to cause pure devastation across Africa and the South African law system failed at trying to prove itself by giving Oscar Pistorius 5 years imprisonment. 

Twitter's most followed, on the other hand have had some other things to think about this month. For example, Betty Crocker has discontinued Rainbow Chip Frosting and Katy Perry isn't too happy about it:

Youtube are way too busy to think about what's going on in the World because well...National Cat Day:

And before Taylor Swift started annoying the fuck out of everyone with her lame album promos every second of day, she pretty much just kept letting everyone know when her annoying promos would start i.e. her way of saying 'You didn't think I could get any more annoying and desperate but watch this':

Finally, we come to Barack Obama. As one of the World's most important leaders, I am relying on you, Obama, to restore faith in mankind. As President of the United States, October was a crucial month for Obama's twitter feed. It was time to push all of the important worldly happenings aside and spam us all with really impressively staged looking photographs with disappointing quotes plastered over them because the midterms are here again:

Unfortunately, Justin could not be included in this post because most of his tweets included a picture of his face and I really can't cope with any more of that on the internet.

Keep up the good work, Twitter!

HOW TO WRITE A DISSERTATION - SHANNON STYLE

It's got to my final year of university and everyone keeps droning on about this thing called a 'dissertation'. Yes, I get it. I have to write a lot of words in an artsy, fartsy way.

Do I want to write it?

No.

Will I write it?

Yes.

Essay are not something I excel in. I have had far too many debates with exam boards in my time but those Ds have always stayed at Ds. At university though, I have been doing well as far as essays go. If writing them the evening before the hand in and somehow getting a 65 can be deemed as well. Therefore, I have decided to write you a list of how to be as great as I am at dissertation planning/writing. You can thank me later.

1. Get a really cute notepad. 

Getting a really cute notepad ensures that you never write a single word of any dissertation research because you don't want to ruin it with your ugly handwriting.

2. Get 5 million books out and keep them on your desk.

Go to the library, take out all of the books that might link to your topic in any way and spend the next 4 months renewing them and then paying £20 worth of fines because you haven't even read the blurb yet.

3. Sign up to Netflix.

Everyone needs a break from thinking about doing their work sometimes. What's a better way to refresh than watching Louis Theroux documentaries and A Bug's Life?

4. Buy a lot of pasta.

You will need many beige foods to get you through the midnight sobs during your Netflix marathon.

5. ALWAYS plan your speech before a tutorial.

This is a crucial technique for all students to master before they start their third year. Make a list of three things that you planned to do this week and say you did them. Find some loose evidence that can back you up in some way. You must remember that a lot of your marks are down to professionalism. You are a professional liar.

6. Stock up on cleaning products.

It's amazing how annoying a bit of dust can be when you have work to do. Taking a day out to clean the house because you couldn't possibly do any work with the mess is as equally ok as it is great procrastination.

7. Make sure you have some nice things in your usual working environment.

You are going to be spending a lot of time looking at those walls and thinking about how Harry Styles will propose to you. You might as well make them pretty.

8. Extend your overdraft by at least £300.

Your tutors tell you that you will need extra money in your final year to go out and research things first hand. The truth is that you actually need extra money for the amount of online shopping you do in your 'study breaks'. It's completely fine for those breaks to last longer than 3 hours and to cost £100 a go.

9. Buy a book.

Why not? Your deadline isn't for another few weeks. Might as well kill some time with a completely unrelated novel.

10. Get your mittens out.

With most dissertation deadlines being straight after Christmas, the months are chilly during dissertation writing time. Gas is expensive. So sit in your room. Put a hat on. Get into bed. But DON'T buy gloves. If you wear gloves it is still possible to do your work. You have no excuse. However, if it is extremely cold and you only have mittens, it is fully understandable that you are completely incapable of picking up a pen.

FRIDAY THOUGHT : A BOOK REVIEW (KIND OF)

Anybody that still buys books the old fashioned way will have seen this on the 'bestsellers' shelf and if you're not the kind to buy books (or read them for that matter) you might have heard of the movie, released in the UK today. It is The 100-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared. I'm approaching the last couple of chapters.

For those of you that want a synopsis: an old man escapes from his home, steals a suitcase, accidentally kills some people (this isn't graphic or exciting in the way you'd hope) and hides from the police. Only about a fifth of the book however is based on this story line. The rest of the book describes his past and his role in some of the most historically important moments of the 20th Century.

It's cute. That's what this book is. That is the only word I have for this book. An enjoyable read that makes you feel fuzzy.

So please keep that overview in mind whilst I explain to you want I am really pissed off about. This book is 400 pages long. An average sized novel, I'd say. It's taken me about a week to read. I picked this book up because it was everywhere. All over the shelves in every chain of book shop. It has 'SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE' scrawled on the front. This makes me excited because I quite liked Twilight and also James and the Giant Peach and they promised the same.

                                          

The reviews on the blurb are extremely positive:

'Arguably the biggest word-of-mouth literary sensation of the decade' - The Independent

I like The Independent. It is one of the better newspapers. I like the sound of this literary sensation.

'Imaginative, laugh-out-loud bestseller'- The Telegraph

Well if The Telegraph have been laughing out loud then it must be 'shit your pants laughing' level of funny for the rest of us. I'm very excited for this. Maybe I will buy some nappies just in case...

'Should carry a health warning for spouses or partners who are easily irritated by the sounds of helpless chortling' - The Irish Times

Slightly contradicting my early thoughts after The Telegraph's comment but I will let them off because the Irish sense of humour is different. This bodes well for me as a half-irish lady. It will appeal to both sides of my humour.

                                                                                             

I am 370 pages in. I haven't laughed once. Not even a giggle. I think I smiled at around page 200 and I actually thought 'remember that, Shannon, because that was quite exciting'. This book is 400 pages long. An average sized novel, I'd say. It's taken me about a week to read.

A WEEK.

That is a week in which I will never get back. I was expecting to be part of something big! I wanted to be telling people about this book that they must read quickly before the film comes out because you must read the book before you see the film. At the very least I was expecting to have soiled myself maybe once!

I am so fed up of reading hyped up reviews of things. I want to see a quote that says 'This was alright as far as bestsellers go but it's no James and the Giant Peach and it has no sexy vampires in it.'

People are always telling me that 'life is too short to finish a book that you don't like'. Excuse me for choosing to ignore your advice but I spent £9 on this book and I'm a tight bitch that wants to have something to show for that. I also don't live my life according to quotes pulled off of a 14 year old's Tumblr.

So if there is anything that you take away from reading this post let it be this: don't trust anything that you read. Probably not even this. Go on. Go out and buy the book. I hope you lose a week of your life too. I blame the papers. If they're not making up a political scandal, they're deceiving the public with their shitty book reviews.

So thank you, print media, for making me feel like I have to spend a week reading a book just because I paid nine quid for it.